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heartwings09's Blog


Landslide



I have come to realize that some days are so much more challenging than others. But, I sit back and take a few moments to think. I really have many wonderful things to make me thankful. Such as friends to make me laugh and are always there for me, my dogs who love unconditionally, family (even the ones I may not have always gotten along with), the beauty of nature and being able to view it in all its glory, a faith that continues to give me hope, and much more that I could go on about, but won't. Most importantly to me, is having the one person I love true in my life. To be reconnected with my 'real family'.

Thinking on a few things that have happened in the last few months, I am happy that I have control over myself enough...that I do not lash out at those who have lashed out in hurt towards me. I am learning to just wait, give myself time to calm down and think about how I want to approach people like this, before just saying something I might end up regretting. I never want my actions and/or words to turn into something I may end up regretting later.

It is true that there are times when silence speaks with the loudest voice and carries the heaviest impact. When I am quiet, I have been told that it worries those who know me. It's not that I am quiet, trying to seek any type of 'lashing back' toward anyone. When I am quiet, it is my time of reflecting on what has been said or what has happened. I do not rush into anything, but instead, I go over everything and decide when the time is right to have my say. I did this recently and surprised myself in how calm and soft speaking I was toward the other person. I showed a lot of dignity and control. I am quite proud of myself. Since this has happened, I am finding a calmness coming over me slowly. 

Yes, I do still feel stressed over a few things, but I also feel that is part of our every day lives any more. Yet, over top of that stress is that calming feeling that washes over me. And, I will do all in my power to continue on this path of calmness. It is not worth it to me to have anyone or anything in my life that I know will only hurt me, upset me, or try to keep me down. I do not want to be kept down. That is my choice, and I choose not to allow people in my life unless they prove they have a right to be here. If people shun you because they "think" they know you...because they still judge you from your past, do they really have the right to be in your future? Simply put, the past is just that. The past! So no, I do not believe they do have the right to be in my 'now', my future. That is the problem with some. They "think" they know you and that gives them the right to judge you based on what they "think"? Forget that. It's not an excuse as to why people treat others badly. I've always been told to treat others how I want to be treated, and I try to follow that.

All in all, some days are not as good as others. We learn to make the best of them though. Can I handle the seasons of my life? Don't dwell on all you have lost. Think of what you can do with what you have left. It's how you get through things that build your inner strength and character. The landslide will not bring me down. I have love, trust, faith in my Master. He watches over me and will continue to guide me. From here on out, I will make it my personal goal to remember that and not allow anything or anyone to bring me down and keep me down.

Some of my favorite things

~ Family
~ Friends
~ Feeling the sun on my face
~ Bubble baths 
~ Starry nights and the moon
~ Hugs
~ Hearing "I love you" from someone who not only says it, but shows it
~ Laughter
~ Watching and listening to my dogs playing
~ An ice cold drink on a hot, humid day
~ Finding out that I have a positive impact on someone
~ Giving and receiving smiles
~ Honesty 
~ Eskimo kisses
~ Kisses
~ Thunderstorms
~ A good book
~ Smell of fresh cut grass
~ Blue skies
~ Watching a movie that makes me laugh and/or cry
~ Picking out shapes in the clouds
~ Walking in the rain
~ Playing in puddles during/after the rain
~ Falling in love
~ Walking on the beach
~ Flowers
~ Making snow angels
~ Rainbows
~ Delicious food
~ The change of seasons
~ A soft breeze
~ Holding hands
~ Dancing and singing when no one is around
~ Laying in my hammock in the back yard
~ The smell of candles
~ Driving without anywhere to go
~ Popsicles
~ Long talks in the middle of the night
~ Meeting new people who become important in my life
~ Surprises - whether surprising someone else or being surprised

There are so many things that come to mind that make me smile --- make me happy.  Even when I may be feeling down and sad, taking a look around, paying attention, listening...these are a few of my favorite things that get me smiling again...♥

What are some of your favorite things? 

Each Day Is New ~ Memories & Thoughts

From hello, we both froze in our tracks like so many years ago when I would see you. Do you remember when we first started talking again, I told you I couldn't wait to see who you are inside? I could feel all that love and tenderness inside you covered up and hidden by so much clutter. I'm glad you trusted me from the start...as I had you. I'm glad you didn't turn and run like I'm sure was in your mind too. I had loved you some years ago, but I hadn't really loved you like I needed to until now.

We don't know where things will lead with us, but we both can say we have not truly loved, until now.

The song by Keith Urban called Once In A Lifetime...it talks of that love so deep and true. That every day with that special one is new. That is what I feel with you, my love. Each day I wake is a renewing of my love and desire for you. Everything new as if it had just begun once more. Just as I know that each time we make love, will bring that feeling of being new. Each time I kiss you and hold you, will be like the first time. Why? Because I treasure you. Each day I open that treasure box and bask in its beauty and brilliance of magnificence. Each time we talk in text, messenger, or phone, I am filled with life that you bring to me. Each time I have you in my thoughts, I am filled with that life you bring to me. You are my once in a lifetime. Each day is new with you and will be forever more. Each day as we walk in the footprints before us...
renews all things in us.

Remember always my love...God doesn't make mistakes and has no regrets. He walks before us and takes away our fears and worries. Know this in you heart, mind, and soul as each day goes by. Remember this as things in daily life begin to bounce off of you, unable to penetrate the skin. Our strength is in each other as our bond strengthens each day. We let God fight our battles and trust in His leading direction of us, in a safe and calming journey. We frolic as children behind our Father who has all wisdom, power, and love for us. Wrap your arms tightly around that peace inside you and let it guide in all things and to reflect all things away from you. That peace is the love of God inside you and for you. That peace is your shield that will with stand all things that come against you. Remember always love, Gods love for us is our shield. Our love for God is our weapon. Together we will stand invincible securely in the love of God and behind Him in His footprints.

Always remember this each and every day, when you wake, when you lay down to close your eyes and sleep. Always remember that I am with you, in your thoughts, in your heart...

Always and forever...♥

*Just some memories & thoughts of a great love from the past. Although no longer together, the memories will always remain*


Heart Shakes

Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place. ~Rumi



I am not entirely sure how much I agree with this. Sorrow prepares you for joy? Yes, whatever sorrow, whatever pain, whatever you have been through...that you are able to shake from your heart, the better you will feel. But, it got me thinking...what does this really mean. Sorrow prepares you for joy?  That if you have a lot of sorrow, that you will recognize joy easier?!

Everyone goes through sorrow, some bad times in their life. When we are able to grieve and allow this sorrow to leave us, when our heart shakes these 'leaves' which have turned yellow and rotted roots have started to plant themselves deeply within...only then can new 'life', new 'beginnings' start.

What I do know is that things have been 'shaken' from my heart. I never thought of it that way until I come across the above quote by Rumi.

But upon thinking more on it, yes, we do shake sorrow and other things from our heart. If we didn't do that, our heart would feel so overcome and burdened.

I hadn't realized just how 'heavy' my heart was...
it just isn't that way any more. It has taken time...seems like a LONG time... 

Which brings me to this quote:
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. ~Carl Jung 

And it is about time that I am awakened. Nothing wrong with dreaming, but I don't want to always 'just dream'.  I want my heart to beat...because of being awakened again, not just because it is suppose to.  I want 'it all'.  Maybe that is me being greedy, but I have been in a 'dream state of mind' for far too long. 

Have you taken the time to look within and allow your 'heart to shake'? If you haven't, maybe it is time...♥

 

Sexy Thoughts...

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Why??????

This is something that I wrote last year just around this time.  I can't help the memories that seem to come flooding back now and then...so maybe if I put this in my blog, it will help to read through it again.



Why?  Why do I still think of you?  
Why is it so hard to get you out of my mind, 
out of my thoughts?  
No matter how much I try to deny it, 
how many times I say it doesn't matter, 
how many times I say it is over... 
it doesn't stop me from thinking of you.  
Sometimes I think that you haunt me... 
you are not letting me go for some reason.  

You are the one who said no more... 
You are the one who told me it had to be over... 
You are the one who lied to me... 
You said we would always be friends... 
You said we could/would talk about everything/anything... 
You said we would be honest with each other... 
You told me you loved me... 
You told me I was the only one who truly understood you... 
You told me I was the only one who really listened... 

What it comes down to in the end? 
You lied about many things. 
Yes, I do believe that in your own way you may have loved me.  
But you sure have one helluva way showing your love. 

If you love someone, you do not use them...abuse their trust...and leave them wondering why...what happened... 

I often shake my head in disbelief...blink my eyes thinking maybe if I do that often enough, you'll be in front of me again as before. 

Why come into my life after over 20 years, only to make me believe, gain my trust, have all my love...and believe me, when I love...I give my all. 

Why do this to me, only to break my heart into pieces...stab me in the back...while ripping the small pieces of what was left of my heart out and then stomping on them. 

BIG *sigh*...why? 
I do not know why. 
I do not know why I am still thinking of you. 
Why I can't get you out of my mind... 
out of my system. 
You are like a drug to me. 

Would I take you back if you asked? 
Probably not, as you are no good for me. 
I cannot trust you again. 
You would only hurt me all over again, and I know I can't go through that all over. 

Why do I read your texts... 
Why do I read your e-mail... 
Why do I listen to the voice mail you leave me... 
I have so many questions with no reasonable answers. 

All I do know is that I loved you for such a long time... 
I have loved no other like you, and you DID know that... 

Was anything you said to me true? 
Were your actions real? 
I can only hope so. 
I can only hope that why and what the reasons are/were... 
that it was all because of YOU. 

One day, I promise you...I will stop thinking of you. 
I HAVE TO!  I have to move forward and am not able to until I am over you! 
Thinking of you still hurts deeply... 
Tears soaking my pillow many nights... 

I wonder...do you still think of me?  Truly think of me like you used to...ever? Did I even ever matter at all to you?

Toxic Friendships

No matter what the situation or how long I have been friends with someone, if I decide to give up on them, it hurts...makes my heart ache. 

Not sure if it is worse when you have to do this with family...:/  Which I have been going through the last several months and it definitely has not gotten one bit better. 

Have you ever chosen to given up on someone...because you realized that no matter how much you show you care...they don't? 

I have had to do this.  I can't just sit back and watch someone self-destruct and try to take me down with them. 

I make mistakes, I have never claimed to be perfect or innocent.
But, I do learn from those mistakes.  And I do apologize if those mistakes made...have hurt or have included a friend or family member...really anyone. 

It has been a hard lesson to learn, but I know that just because I care about someone...I can't force them or make them care in return.  As much as I might like to have them care...if they don't, then I just have to let them be.  I have lost those I thought to be good friends in the past by doing this.  

I remember about 13 years ago...I was still married, and we were friends with a couple who had a young child. This couple fought so much, and they did so in front of the little girl.  The wife would take a knife and throw it at his leg, just missing by inches.  All in front of this little girl.  The house was a mess, clothes thrown all over the place, dishes piled up, trash piled up.  The husband worked full-time, while she stayed home. 

What finally got me to decide I had to get out of this friendship is: being there and they started fighting in front of the little girl, once again.  The little girl went between them, put her hands up and started crying, and shouted "STOP!"  It felt like my heart had been broken into pieces seeing and hearing that.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I was around people who were toxic and they were slowly, but surely poisoning me.  I stopped calling, stopped going around...and she started to call me at work, pissed that I didn't want anything to do with them any more.  

I told her the truth...why I couldn't be around anymore... 

And that is when I realized it was all about her.  She didn't care about me, what I thought or what I was going through. 

It was then I made the decision.  Not to have toxic people in my life from that day forward.  



When I find that someone does not care in return, not one bit, then I know I have to cut them out of my life.  They only contact me or try to be a friend on their terms, when it is convenient to them.  No, it doesn't work that way.  I don't need people like that in my life.  Caring goes both ways, it is not one-sided. 

But maybe they just have given up on themselves...so they figure, if they do not care what happens to them...why should they care about anyone else. 

*sigh*  So when it seems that I have given up on someone, it is never because I have stopped caring.  It is because my heart cares way too much.  And my heart can't take being around anyone, after I realize that they do not care about themselves or about me. 

Just a little something I was thinking about the last few days.  I then saw this graphic on a site, and it fit perfectly with my thoughts. 

The worst thing is having family who should stick by you, no matter what...and you have done what you can to show them you care...yet they throw crap back in your face and treat you like an outsider.  Another *sigh...BIG sigh*  Then they wonder why I have stopped trying with them.  You may not be able to choose your family, but you can choose to not be a part of that family. 

Thank goodness for some friends that I am able to consider family...♥

Oh well, such is life...right?

Once in a Lifetime

I come across this, read through it three times and absolutely love it.  I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do. Because I feel that when you find someone such as this, hold them near and dear to your heart, keep them in your thoughts and cherish the moments you are able to spend with them.  This is not something that happens all the time...as I agree about "only once in your life"... 

There are always going to be people who come into our lives.  Some stay for a short time, while others stay as long as you allow them. Some leave hurtfulness and sadness behind when they leave.  Some you are happy to be rid of.  But the few select that stick through things with you, help carry you through each day...those are the ones to hold onto. 

 There is always going to be that "one" special person who does come along...and you never realized that you were missing someone or something in your life, until they are there.  Then you wonder how you made it so far...without that "one" special person in your life...and you pray you never have to find out how it feels to not have them there.  Because this is the "one" who not only cares, but does not judge you, and it does not matter what type of day you have had...they are just happy to be a part of your day, in any way. ~ ♥ Dee 

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. 

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. 

In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. 

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. ~Bob Marley

1-7 of 7 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Landslide, posted January 15th, 2014
Some of my favorite things, posted January 27th, 2013, 1 comment
Each Day Is New ~ Memories & Thoughts, posted August 4th, 2012
Heart Shakes, posted April 9th, 2012, 1 comment
Sexy Thoughts..., posted April 4th, 2012, 4 comments
Why??????, posted March 30th, 2012
Toxic Friendships, posted March 25th, 2012, 5 comments
Once in a Lifetime, posted March 24th, 2012

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